#34: TD

I was TD free for 3 days. Yes it took only 3 days for U (or St H) to assign me a new one.
Now again all I think of is TD. I am so grateful for him, because I was a brooding night and he was dawn. Saving me for I was forlorn, in his light I am reborn.

The only issue is that 95% of time I am scared. Mostly that I am not good enough. That I will fail, will disappoint him. Yes my typical big fear that I will disappoint someone is back.

I know that fear is a liar, but there's nothing I can do about it.... I am afraid!!!!!

#33: Forgiveness

2 days after my previous post, Monday March 5th everything changed.

At that stage I was convinced that I moved on. I accepted the fact that I was broken and would not be able to feel again. I was grateful for the change my mind cage caused in me. That change and awoken love for life. He (my image of him and feelings for him) were so superior that I accepted the fact that I would never feel anything again. I wasn't thinking of him constantly for a while, but remembering him from time to time.

And then March 5th. That afternoon I'm in a meeting. I hear something that somehow shifts my perspective absolutely. I am just sitting there and the realisation that everything slowly changes descends on me.

I got free. I started feeling. I woke up. I suddenly realised that I was stuck on one person and 1 specific date for 19 month. I dropped out from life for 586 days.

The way things unfolded. Coincidences like that do not happen. Miracle. Pure miracle.
Such a powerful feeling.

Thank you.

#32: Solo trip to the USA

Going to the East coast early January during the worst snow storm since satellite invention my not have been my brightest idea, but it turned out to be a defining experience.
Crossing Atlantics, living in different time zone, eating unusual food, never being understood from first attempt, having all cards blocked, being sweeped away by the wind, my nationality being identified by my accent within first hour after exiting the airport.
Seeing my all time heroes.
Starting shaking involuntarily once getting outside.
Late night swimming.
Actual people making announcements in every form of transport.
Written signs instead of symbols.

NYC vibe. Service. Speed. Wealth. Smells. Geometrical structure. Sun rays.
Columbus circle.
El Greco room. Just unexpectedly entering El Greco room.

#31: Complete circle of feelings

If only when you meet someone new, especially when this acquaintance has nothing to do with romance, there would be a voice telling you that in next two years this person will make you feel the whole imaginable spectrum of emotions and will drag you along through hell.

I was in love, I was high, I was addicted, I was broken, I was heartbroken, I was depressed, I was angry. And then I was sad, sympathetic, nostalgic, scared, felt helpless, had a panic attack.

Watching someone you care about going through tough times, while you cannot do or really say anything is devastating.

Why do I talk about it here then?

Because I recovered and got stronger. Because hopefully they feel better now.
Because I am grateful to them for talking to me. For starting those conversations and opening up.
Thanks for dragging me through hell.

#30: Fitness journey

Most of my daily life I spend working out or thinking about working out.

Fitness centre is a main ingredient. My journey started with me signing up to one... 6 years ago?
Well, 3 countries, 4 cities, and 6 clubs later exercising is a part of me.

All this time spent in there defined me.

I don't think I would have turned out the same person if I haven't met all those great people along the way.

Recently when signing up to a new club I was reflecting on all these years, and it brought so many great memories. Irreplaceable and unforgettable. In the end it's all about people. I sincerely wish I start meeting exciting people again.

-You are a natural athlete. (c)

#29: Gratitude

I am literally crying now.

I know I wrote it everywhere so many times that I am grateful that I met my latest love. I knew I was grateful (or should have been) indeed, but I never trully felt it. All of my memories of him (even the good ones) always came with such unbearable pain and bitterness, and longing, and tears.

I knew very well that it was all about the feeling and not him or us. But knowing one thing and understanding and comprehending such an overwhelming feeling is completely different.

Every month I would have a new seizure of missing him, and every month I would convince myself that I finally let go.

However, right now in this moment I feel so much gratitude for him crashing into my life and changing me forever. He brought back interest in life and will to live. And this crazily powerful feeling. Now I know what it feels like and that I am capable of feeling it.

Thank you, Un.
Thank you St H.
Thank you, darling.

#28: Stoicism

I realised that it is rather silly to want to practice stoicism and complain about tough moral and physical challenges at the same time.

Finally with the open eyes and heart I am being grateful for the oppurtunity to become the person I want to be.