#10: Consequences

This one is really related to the previous one.
I am absolutely fascinated that whatever is going on in my life is exact consequence of my decisions and my acts.
There are some sudden unexpected events, but the current long-term state of things is usually directly related to the steps I take.

It's not their decision, it is my decision first.

#9: Decision

I can think about a problem for a long time, I can tolerate something not worth tolerating for a while, I can be easily-manipulated, lazy, not motivated, and pathetic.

But the thing I am very good at is decision-making.

I just analyse a problem  and make an optimal decision. That easy, that simple. Emotions, fear, or weakness don't get in the way.

And once I made a decision I stick to it.

Now I decided that it's finally time to do everything I always wanted to do.

#8: Achievement

The only thing that makes me truly happy for some time is payoff from hard work.
Previously it was people. Special people, their words and deeds and the way they made me feel.
Then it was also travelling and adventures.

Now it's only appreciation and results of the things I am doing, I am investing my time, effort, and bits of my soul in.

It's a sign that it is worthwhile to be always busy. And if I am not busy and my mind is not occupied, I get depressed.

Hard work always pays off.

#7: true love

We love people who’ve died ...
where’s the social utility in that?
Maybe it means more - something we
can’t understand, yet. Maybe it’s
some evidence, some artifact of
higher dimensions that we can’t
consciously perceive. I’m drawn
across the universe to someone I
haven’t seen for a decade, who I
know is probably dead. Love is the
one thing we’re capable of
perceiving that transcends
dimensions of time and space. Maybe
we should trust that, even if we
can’t yet understand it.

(c) Interstellar

How magical it is to truly love someone. Without wishing to possess them, or keep, or manipulate, or trying to hurt them or their feelings. Just to be happy that they exist and be high when they are around, to treat their presence as an indicator of a great day. To catch their smile and put so much meaning in it and put so much love in returning it. To make it personal. To have somebody, technically a stranger, get close to you. To have them matter to you. To feel cared for. To make them the person you share your excitement or annoyance with first. To talk, and talk, and call, and text. To take so seriously everything they are saying, especially if they talk about you.

Not many are lucky enough to have a guardian angel like you
Lord I'm so thankful, please don't think that I don't feel grateful, I do
Just grant me the strength that I need for one more day to get through

It also hurts that much, because I always wanted to and still was planning to see you, but never managed.

You did not see me grown-up.

#6: Hieronymus Bosch

The painter with a great life philosophy. The human must constantly choose between good and evil. During his life the person is often tempted with different tools used by demons. However, there is also angel pointing to the heaven and Christ. Choices made during the lifetime determine where the person ends up after the final judgement.

Before Bosch 500 exhibition I always thought that his painting are just orgies. They are not. They represent possible consequences of human behaviour and make you think about your life decisions and your future.

Bosch also has a number of paintings with life of Christ and saints without (or with the way fewer) rat-looking demons.

#5: having a crush

Strangely enough just a bit more than 2 weeks ago I was writing about my inability to get over my previous big love. That feeling was still a part of me and it wasn't going away. Yes I managed to live through fully, but it changed me and it was a point of no return.

On Tuesday I just put this feeling into words, and on Friday I realised that I'm crazily in love and my heart was dancing, stopping, jumping, falling. I had a crush. From that time on my heart continued doing its crazy dance every time I would see him or get a text from him. This week was filled with intense emotions and special moments.

It just feels so right to be madly in love again, to have my heart change its beat and do crazy things, to have my hands trembling and my breath go away.

It is real, it is fresh, it is complete.

The walls of my town, they come crumbling down. Like all the shit that happened to me has never existed. Like I never got destroyed and wasn't bitter and depressed for years.

I am able to fall in love completely. I am able to love with all my heart.

I believe in people, I am happy to wake up in the morning despite the weather.
I believe in love.

And I know that love won't betray me.

#4: running

There are a few things that heal me. Should be at least a hundred.

Some of them I forgot and am using this blog to remember, but some of them are always on my mind even if I don't get to practice them for a while.

Everything that requires moving forward is my big love and my remedy. As I was fighting a depression for years I discovered that running is one of the tricks to keep myself alive. I wasn't fighting to win, I think it's impossible without external help, I was fighting to survive.

In times of biggest psychological downturns the best way  to keep myself going and to give everything I was doing a purpose was waking up before the dawn and getting outside before the Sun. What can I say, challenging the Sun feels rewarding.

I've been having  a complicated relationship with running for a year and a bit, when I had no reason nor motivation to run. Strange combination. On one handside no open raw heart wound to heal with running, on the other - yes, a guy involved. Since I didn't manage to finish a race in September 2014 [because of a guy], I had an inner protest against running. I used the trick of bringing back sense to my life by sundawn running, but that's it. Although I still loved it, my inner self wouldn't let me practice it.

Now I'm over that dude and was thinking of running as a way to keep fit [which running has never been to me. ever!]. Strangely enough I could never make myself go for a run. That's just not enough. Apparently I can't run when I'm not depressed. 5 minutes on a treadmill - yes, otherwise - no.

To my great happines I am depressed at the moment, and I do have an urge to go for run. Shame, it's -5 in the morning.

Wait a minute, isn't it what I need exactly?!