#4: running

There are a few things that heal me. Should be at least a hundred.

Some of them I forgot and am using this blog to remember, but some of them are always on my mind even if I don't get to practice them for a while.

Everything that requires moving forward is my big love and my remedy. As I was fighting a depression for years I discovered that running is one of the tricks to keep myself alive. I wasn't fighting to win, I think it's impossible without external help, I was fighting to survive.

In times of biggest psychological downturns the best way  to keep myself going and to give everything I was doing a purpose was waking up before the dawn and getting outside before the Sun. What can I say, challenging the Sun feels rewarding.

I've been having  a complicated relationship with running for a year and a bit, when I had no reason nor motivation to run. Strange combination. On one handside no open raw heart wound to heal with running, on the other - yes, a guy involved. Since I didn't manage to finish a race in September 2014 [because of a guy], I had an inner protest against running. I used the trick of bringing back sense to my life by sundawn running, but that's it. Although I still loved it, my inner self wouldn't let me practice it.

Now I'm over that dude and was thinking of running as a way to keep fit [which running has never been to me. ever!]. Strangely enough I could never make myself go for a run. That's just not enough. Apparently I can't run when I'm not depressed. 5 minutes on a treadmill - yes, otherwise - no.

To my great happines I am depressed at the moment, and I do have an urge to go for run. Shame, it's -5 in the morning.

Wait a minute, isn't it what I need exactly?!

#3: past love

The reason I put you here is that it's not about you, it is about the feeling. Yes, it kept me depressed for.... 7 to 20 months depending on how I see it, but back then.... the feeling itself was strong, beautiful and pure. It was so fuckin pure, naive, and innocent.

You turned my whole life inside out. You made me what I am right now. Is it a good change? Was it worthwhile? I don't know, and it's not the point.

The point is I've never been so overwhelmingly in love ever since. I was in love afterwards more than once. I was happy, I was inspired, I was heartbroken, I was depressed. But never to THAT extent.

I grew older? Became more experienced? Got scared to fall apart again?

When I think about you, I just remember how beautiful and fulfilling it is actually to be in love, to be breathing somebody else, to care so much.

I'm not depressed anymore, I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't wanna hear from you ever again. Our story is over. I actually wonder now if you are that incredible and unique or I just wanted to see you that way?

Sometimes I wanna fall in love that much again, but I can't tell whether this desire is stronger or my fear of getting destroyed.

My love is like a soldier, loyal till I die.

#2: William Shakespeare

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
   And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
   As any she belied with false compare.

#1: English

My heart speaks English.
I love how it sounds. Soft. Effortless. Melodic elusive 'r' sound.
Short words. Short sentences.Possibility to say so much in a simple way using fewest words possibly.

All the love songs are in English
All the movies are in English
All the information is in English

It allows me to travel. It allows me to have friends from all over the world. It allows me to be an expat. It allows me to feel comfortable in so many places, talk to so many new people.

I talk to myself in English.


Falling in love
Taking advantage
Well-travelled
  

100 days of sense

Here I want to challenge myself (reminder for later: change this mainstream stupid sentence) to find every third day something to be grateful for to the universe.

I love incredible variety of things, time to scream out loud about each of them.