#32: Solo trip to the USA

Going to the East coast early January during the worst snow storm since satellite invention my not have been my brightest idea, but it turned out to be a defining experience.
Crossing Atlantics, living in different time zone, eating unusual food, never being understood from first attempt, having all cards blocked, being sweeped away by the wind, my nationality being identified by my accent within first hour after exiting the airport.
Seeing my all time heroes.
Starting shaking involuntarily once getting outside.
Late night swimming.
Actual people making announcements in every form of transport.
Written signs instead of symbols.

NYC vibe. Service. Speed. Wealth. Smells. Geometrical structure. Sun rays.
Columbus circle.
El Greco room. Just unexpectedly entering El Greco room.

#31: Complete circle of feelings

If only when you meet someone new, especially when this acquaintance has nothing to do with romance, there would be a voice telling you that in next two years this person will make you feel the whole imaginable spectrum of emotions and will drag you along through hell.

I was in love, I was high, I was addicted, I was broken, I was heartbroken, I was depressed, I was angry. And then I was sad, sympathetic, nostalgic, scared, felt helpless, had a panic attack.

Watching someone you care about going through tough times, while you cannot do or really say anything is devastating.

Why do I talk about it here then?

Because I recovered and got stronger. Because hopefully they feel better now.
Because I am grateful to them for talking to me. For starting those conversations and opening up.
Thanks for dragging me through hell.

#30: Fitness journey

Most of my daily life I spend working out or thinking about working out.

Fitness centre is a main ingredient. My journey started with me signing up to one... 6 years ago?
Well, 3 countries, 4 cities, and 6 clubs later exercising is a part of me.

All this time spent in there defined me.

I don't think I would have turned out the same person if I haven't met all those great people along the way.

Recently when signing up to a new club I was reflecting on all these years, and it brought so many great memories. Irreplaceable and unforgettable. In the end it's all about people. I sincerely wish I start meeting exciting people again.

-You are a natural athlete. (c)

#29: Gratitude

I am literally crying now.

I know I wrote it everywhere so many times that I am grateful that I met my latest love. I knew I was grateful (or should have been) indeed, but I never trully felt it. All of my memories of him (even the good ones) always came with such unbearable pain and bitterness, and longing, and tears.

I knew very well that it was all about the feeling and not him or us. But knowing one thing and understanding and comprehending such an overwhelming feeling is completely different.

Every month I would have a new seizure of missing him, and every month I would convince myself that I finally let go.

However, right now in this moment I feel so much gratitude for him crashing into my life and changing me forever. He brought back interest in life and will to live. And this crazily powerful feeling. Now I know what it feels like and that I am capable of feeling it.

Thank you, Un.
Thank you St H.
Thank you, darling.

#28: Stoicism

I realised that it is rather silly to want to practice stoicism and complain about tough moral and physical challenges at the same time.

Finally with the open eyes and heart I am being grateful for the oppurtunity to become the person I want to be.

#27: challenge

Letting a person who means the world to you go is hard.
It feels like the end of the world every time, but time, reason, and sensibility work together quite well.
As they say 'sometimes doing the right thing is the toughest'. Yes, it  is tough, but knowing you are doing the right thing helps. A LOT. Living through an end is feasible, because obviously, apart from eternal grieving, it is the only way.

I knew from the start that us was never an option. I still do.
But having this and his silence as the only reasons to let go is not enough, because these reasons are open to interpretation and this is what my brain happily does.

There's always this point of no return when you realise 'ok I cannot live like that. I had enough and I absolutely cannot carry on. This is clearly not working out and we are done. I believe I am better off without you'.
From this point recovery starts, and after some time your wellbeing just goes up.

With overwhelming love, perfect memories, promises, and (some) determination to let go being the only things available, it has been impossible to hit recovery so far.

I make this decision to let go and carry on every month because YES I know I have to, and even if I feel better for a bit, it always strikes back. There were more than 10 failed attempts so far.
I know that no matter how much I miss him, he is not coming back.

Looks like an ultimate challenge. Because breakup is for pussies. 

#26: Falling in love

These people who just crash into your life and change it forever. They occupy your entire mind and it becomes so hard to realise that there was a time you didn't know them.

Falling in love at first dialog. You talk to him for a few minutes only and shiver for the rest of the day.

Shining when being with him. Sharing candies and a cup of coffee. Just looking happy and obviously in love. Being extremely over-excited when he is in the same city.

I think the happiest moment was going to meet him. Going through the city centre in the morning, crossing the bridge. Stopping to take a pic and keeping repeating to myself ' he is in here'.

Running in the morning. No concrete thoughts, just memories from the night before and excitement of seeing him later.

So many fundamental things start to make sense. I suddently understand life.

Falling asleep and getting up with one name on your mind for months. Driving a car for the first time in a while and having him on my mind constantly. Going to a hospital and mentally talking to him to calm down. Falling (flying) off my bike and mentally screaming his name.

Like never before.

Thank you, it was lovely.