#12: Early morning

I absolutely adore early mornings.
I love the freedom, the hope, and the peace it gives. The new day starts, the Sun is getting up, the birds are singing, the people are mostly asleep.
I enjoy being active in the morning and enjoy it by devoting it to myself and my passions. I think that starting my day with work is a pure waste, I will never wake up to do that. But running, yoga, swimming, working out, beach, breakfast....

The first sign of severe depression is unabilty to wake up early. That's precisely what I've been struggling with for a month....
 

#11: Smile

It feels incredible when a person returns your smile. I am not talking about a situation when somebody laughs or smiles because of something you said. And this is not a polite smile when they greet you.You quietly look somebody in the eyes and without saying a word you just smile and they erase the serious expression from their face and smile back. You made them smile. It immediately feels intimate and special and you feel connected to the person.

I never payed enough attention to other people purposive smiling until one special person started smiling to me this way. I felt special immediately. They looked into me and they smiled to me. A bit later I realised the fact that is very hard to put in words.

It is the person who smiles, not the person to whom they smile.

It is a blessing to receive that smile, but it has its meaning and purpose. As a receiver you are not special, you are just a receiver.

Back then I was a receiver. Now I am a sender.

....and a receiver. HE sent me this smile once briefly to show his support.

#10: Consequences

This one is really related to the previous one.
I am absolutely fascinated that whatever is going on in my life is exact consequence of my decisions and my acts.
There are some sudden unexpected events, but the current long-term state of things is usually directly related to the steps I take.

It's not their decision, it is my decision first.

#9: Decision

I can think about a problem for a long time, I can tolerate something not worth tolerating for a while, I can be easily-manipulated, lazy, not motivated, and pathetic.

But the thing I am very good at is decision-making.

I just analyse a problem  and make an optimal decision. That easy, that simple. Emotions, fear, or weakness don't get in the way.

And once I made a decision I stick to it.

Now I decided that it's finally time to do everything I always wanted to do.

#8: Achievement

The only thing that makes me truly happy for some time is payoff from hard work.
Previously it was people. Special people, their words and deeds and the way they made me feel.
Then it was also travelling and adventures.

Now it's only appreciation and results of the things I am doing, I am investing my time, effort, and bits of my soul in.

It's a sign that it is worthwhile to be always busy. And if I am not busy and my mind is not occupied, I get depressed.

Hard work always pays off.

#7: true love

We love people who’ve died ...
where’s the social utility in that?
Maybe it means more - something we
can’t understand, yet. Maybe it’s
some evidence, some artifact of
higher dimensions that we can’t
consciously perceive. I’m drawn
across the universe to someone I
haven’t seen for a decade, who I
know is probably dead. Love is the
one thing we’re capable of
perceiving that transcends
dimensions of time and space. Maybe
we should trust that, even if we
can’t yet understand it.

(c) Interstellar

How magical it is to truly love someone. Without wishing to possess them, or keep, or manipulate, or trying to hurt them or their feelings. Just to be happy that they exist and be high when they are around, to treat their presence as an indicator of a great day. To catch their smile and put so much meaning in it and put so much love in returning it. To make it personal. To have somebody, technically a stranger, get close to you. To have them matter to you. To feel cared for. To make them the person you share your excitement or annoyance with first. To talk, and talk, and call, and text. To take so seriously everything they are saying, especially if they talk about you.

Not many are lucky enough to have a guardian angel like you
Lord I'm so thankful, please don't think that I don't feel grateful, I do
Just grant me the strength that I need for one more day to get through

It also hurts that much, because I always wanted to and still was planning to see you, but never managed.

You did not see me grown-up.

#6: Hieronymus Bosch

The painter with a great life philosophy. The human must constantly choose between good and evil. During his life the person is often tempted with different tools used by demons. However, there is also angel pointing to the heaven and Christ. Choices made during the lifetime determine where the person ends up after the final judgement.

Before Bosch 500 exhibition I always thought that his painting are just orgies. They are not. They represent possible consequences of human behaviour and make you think about your life decisions and your future.

Bosch also has a number of paintings with life of Christ and saints without (or with the way fewer) rat-looking demons.