#27: challenge

Letting a person who means the world to you go is hard.
It feels like the end of the world every time, but time, reason, and sensibility work together quite well.
As they say 'sometimes doing the right thing is the toughest'. Yes, it  is tough, but knowing you are doing the right thing helps. A LOT. Living through an end is feasible, because obviously, apart from eternal grieving, it is the only way.

I knew from the start that us was never an option. I still do.
But having this and his silence as the only reasons to let go is not enough, because these reasons are open to interpretation and this is what my brain happily does.

There's always this point of no return when you realise 'ok I cannot live like that. I had enough and I absolutely cannot carry on. This is clearly not working out and we are done. I believe I am better off without you'.
From this point recovery starts, and after some time your wellbeing just goes up.

With overwhelming love, perfect memories, promises, and (some) determination to let go being the only things available, it has been impossible to hit recovery so far.

I make this decision to let go and carry on every month because YES I know I have to, and even if I feel better for a bit, it always strikes back. There were more than 10 failed attempts so far.
I know that no matter how much I miss him, he is not coming back.

Looks like an ultimate challenge. Because breakup is for pussies. 

#26: Falling in love

These people who just crash into your life and change it forever. They occupy your entire mind and it becomes so hard to realise that there was a time you didn't know them.

Falling in love at first dialog. You talk to him for a few minutes only and shiver for the rest of the day.

Shining when being with him. Sharing candies and a cup of coffee. Just looking happy and obviously in love. Being extremely over-excited when he is in the same city.

I think the happiest moment was going to meet him. Going through the city centre in the morning, crossing the bridge. Stopping to take a pic and keeping repeating to myself ' he is in here'.

Running in the morning. No concrete thoughts, just memories from the night before and excitement of seeing him later.

So many fundamental things start to make sense. I suddently understand life.

Falling asleep and getting up with one name on your mind for months. Driving a car for the first time in a while and having him on my mind constantly. Going to a hospital and mentally talking to him to calm down. Falling (flying) off my bike and mentally screaming his name.

Like never before.

Thank you, it was lovely.

#25: My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun

I started feeling something for you more than a year ago. I crazily fell in love with you last January. End of last January became the (one of) most happy, exctiting and intense period(s) in my life. My head and heart were exploding with love to you. The feeling was so strong, new, real.

Of course it's impossible to linger to the feeling forever no matter how much I wanted and tried to.

It grew into addiction. The kind of addiction that would send me to bed for days empty-headed.

We were unhappy with each other. I got angry. At that point I thought we were done.

Very soon I realised I wanted you back. I wanted to win you back. What a joy it was when you started talking to me again. #youcanlovemeagain

What a blessing it was to get back into you for a month. All the texts, pics, the words. I was melting with you Jan, Feb, Aug, and Sept.

Afterwards it just turned into a fight. I would sum it in one phraze "I disagree".

Apart from one thing. Your eyes. Your fucking eyes. When I look into them I just feel. I don't know what, but I do. Only your gaze makes me feel this way and smile this way. Every time I see you I want you to look into my eyes and your eyes just send me to this state. It feels like we know something, but we don't talk about it.

I haven't talked to your forever, I haven't thought about you much. I don't know at which state we are. But holly shit I want you back. I'm dying to see you again, but I'm so scared it's gone. The gaze, this special stare we exchange every time. #youstillloveme?

#24: Swimming

As long as I can properly swim I was going to the swimming pool every week no excuses. No matter where I lived I always had a swimming pool nearby.

Until I moved here. Here the pool is in the middle of nowhere. Literally. You have to take highway, pass railway tracks, pass a dump, a cemetery, and a wasteland.
Also add the fact that it has been raining every day since I decided it is warm enough to cycle all the way there.

So it is quite a challenge to get there.

But then.... it feels like home. Finally getting back to water. I haven't swum for almost a year but it just feels as good and easy as always.

So once it is not raining I am there again. 

#23: Ashtanga

Actually nothing to be proud of as it took me 3 years to start Ashtanga. I spent all this time saying I want to practise it instead of just starting practising it.

Finally turned on a video class yesterday and hated every second of it, because I got so terribly weak and off training that I was suffering all the way through.

I just hope and pray that I will stick to it.

Practice practice practice

#22: Sunrise run

It is incredibly hard for me to do one, that's one of the reasons it feels so special. Especially in summer. Good morning, 5 am.

Among others are: completely asleep city, loudly singing birds, amazingly fresh air, breath-taking beauty. I can even tolerate the city centre that early.

Last but not least, it gives a feeling of power. I am out here Sun, greeting you. I got up first and I run almost 4K to get here to see you.

How to do a sunrise run in most of the countries (I lived in):
1 decide to do it
2 wake up before the Sun
3 run

How to do a sunrise run in the Netherlads:
1 pray there is a sunrise

#21: Chess

I absolutely love thinking.
At the same time I frequently have so much stuff on my mind that I can't think nor concentrate.

But when I play chess, I can sit there starring at the board for hours, without my thoughts travelling much and without checking my phone at all.  I'm very bad at chess, but I love the chance to think it provides.

Moreover, I love playing real chess, so I can finally take a break from a computer.

Unfortunately I play so badly, that I can barely beat somebody, but competitive me enjoys the possibility to try to out-think my opponent. Of course it is only fun to play with somebody I know and somebody I suspect to be smarter than me.

My never-coming-true dream is to play with my crush. I know I will lose, but it would have been so thrilling. I would love to see how long I would survive against him.