#34: TD

I was TD free for 3 days. Yes it took only 3 days for U (or St H) to assign me a new one.
Now again all I think of is TD. I am so grateful for him, because I was a brooding night and he was dawn. Saving me for I was forlorn, in his light I am reborn.

The only issue is that 95% of time I am scared. Mostly that I am not good enough. That I will fail, will disappoint him. Yes my typical big fear that I will disappoint someone is back.

I know that fear is a liar, but there's nothing I can do about it.... I am afraid!!!!!

#33: Forgiveness

2 days after my previous post, Monday March 5th everything changed.

At that stage I was convinced that I moved on. I accepted the fact that I was broken and would not be able to feel again. I was grateful for the change my mind cage caused in me. That change and awoken love for life. He (my image of him and feelings for him) were so superior that I accepted the fact that I would never feel anything again. I wasn't thinking of him constantly for a while, but remembering him from time to time.

And then March 5th. That afternoon I'm in a meeting. I hear something that somehow shifts my perspective absolutely. I am just sitting there and the realisation that everything slowly changes descends on me.

I got free. I started feeling. I woke up. I suddenly realised that I was stuck on one person and 1 specific date for 19 month. I dropped out from life for 586 days.

The way things unfolded. Coincidences like that do not happen. Miracle. Pure miracle.
Such a powerful feeling.

Thank you.

#32: Solo trip to the USA

Going to the East coast early January during the worst snow storm since satellite invention my not have been my brightest idea, but it turned out to be a defining experience.
Crossing Atlantics, living in different time zone, eating unusual food, never being understood from first attempt, having all cards blocked, being sweeped away by the wind, my nationality being identified by my accent within first hour after exiting the airport.
Seeing my all time heroes.
Starting shaking involuntarily once getting outside.
Late night swimming.
Actual people making announcements in every form of transport.
Written signs instead of symbols.

NYC vibe. Service. Speed. Wealth. Smells. Geometrical structure. Sun rays.
Columbus circle.
El Greco room. Just unexpectedly entering El Greco room.

#31: Complete circle of feelings

If only when you meet someone new, especially when this acquaintance has nothing to do with romance, there would be a voice telling you that in next two years this person will make you feel the whole imaginable spectrum of emotions and will drag you along through hell.

I was in love, I was high, I was addicted, I was broken, I was heartbroken, I was depressed, I was angry. And then I was sad, sympathetic, nostalgic, scared, felt helpless, had a panic attack.

Watching someone you care about going through tough times, while you cannot do or really say anything is devastating.

Why do I talk about it here then?

Because I recovered and got stronger. Because hopefully they feel better now.
Because I am grateful to them for talking to me. For starting those conversations and opening up.
Thanks for dragging me through hell.

#30: Fitness journey

Most of my daily life I spend working out or thinking about working out.

Fitness centre is a main ingredient. My journey started with me signing up to one... 6 years ago?
Well, 3 countries, 4 cities, and 6 clubs later exercising is a part of me.

All this time spent in there defined me.

I don't think I would have turned out the same person if I haven't met all those great people along the way.

Recently when signing up to a new club I was reflecting on all these years, and it brought so many great memories. Irreplaceable and unforgettable. In the end it's all about people. I sincerely wish I start meeting exciting people again.

-You are a natural athlete. (c)

#29: Gratitude

I am literally crying now.

I know I wrote it everywhere so many times that I am grateful that I met my latest love. I knew I was grateful (or should have been) indeed, but I never trully felt it. All of my memories of him (even the good ones) always came with such unbearable pain and bitterness, and longing, and tears.

I knew very well that it was all about the feeling and not him or us. But knowing one thing and understanding and comprehending such an overwhelming feeling is completely different.

Every month I would have a new seizure of missing him, and every month I would convince myself that I finally let go.

However, right now in this moment I feel so much gratitude for him crashing into my life and changing me forever. He brought back interest in life and will to live. And this crazily powerful feeling. Now I know what it feels like and that I am capable of feeling it.

Thank you, Un.
Thank you St H.
Thank you, darling.

#28: Stoicism

I realised that it is rather silly to want to practice stoicism and complain about tough moral and physical challenges at the same time.

Finally with the open eyes and heart I am being grateful for the oppurtunity to become the person I want to be.

#27: challenge

Letting a person who means the world to you go is hard.
It feels like the end of the world every time, but time, reason, and sensibility work together quite well.
As they say 'sometimes doing the right thing is the toughest'. Yes, it  is tough, but knowing you are doing the right thing helps. A LOT. Living through an end is feasible, because obviously, apart from eternal grieving, it is the only way.

I knew from the start that us was never an option. I still do.
But having this and his silence as the only reasons to let go is not enough, because these reasons are open to interpretation and this is what my brain happily does.

There's always this point of no return when you realise 'ok I cannot live like that. I had enough and I absolutely cannot carry on. This is clearly not working out and we are done. I believe I am better off without you'.
From this point recovery starts, and after some time your wellbeing just goes up.

With overwhelming love, perfect memories, promises, and (some) determination to let go being the only things available, it has been impossible to hit recovery so far.

I make this decision to let go and carry on every month because YES I know I have to, and even if I feel better for a bit, it always strikes back. There were more than 10 failed attempts so far.
I know that no matter how much I miss him, he is not coming back.

Looks like an ultimate challenge. Because breakup is for pussies. 

#26: Falling in love

These people who just crash into your life and change it forever. They occupy your entire mind and it becomes so hard to realise that there was a time you didn't know them.

Falling in love at first dialog. You talk to him for a few minutes only and shiver for the rest of the day.

Shining when being with him. Sharing candies and a cup of coffee. Just looking happy and obviously in love. Being extremely over-excited when he is in the same city.

I think the happiest moment was going to meet him. Going through the city centre in the morning, crossing the bridge. Stopping to take a pic and keeping repeating to myself ' he is in here'.

Running in the morning. No concrete thoughts, just memories from the night before and excitement of seeing him later.

So many fundamental things start to make sense. I suddently understand life.

Falling asleep and getting up with one name on your mind for months. Driving a car for the first time in a while and having him on my mind constantly. Going to a hospital and mentally talking to him to calm down. Falling (flying) off my bike and mentally screaming his name.

Like never before.

Thank you, it was lovely.

#25: My mistress eyes are nothing like the sun

I started feeling something for you more than a year ago. I crazily fell in love with you last January. End of last January became the (one of) most happy, exctiting and intense period(s) in my life. My head and heart were exploding with love to you. The feeling was so strong, new, real.

Of course it's impossible to linger to the feeling forever no matter how much I wanted and tried to.

It grew into addiction. The kind of addiction that would send me to bed for days empty-headed.

We were unhappy with each other. I got angry. At that point I thought we were done.

Very soon I realised I wanted you back. I wanted to win you back. What a joy it was when you started talking to me again. #youcanlovemeagain

What a blessing it was to get back into you for a month. All the texts, pics, the words. I was melting with you Jan, Feb, Aug, and Sept.

Afterwards it just turned into a fight. I would sum it in one phraze "I disagree".

Apart from one thing. Your eyes. Your fucking eyes. When I look into them I just feel. I don't know what, but I do. Only your gaze makes me feel this way and smile this way. Every time I see you I want you to look into my eyes and your eyes just send me to this state. It feels like we know something, but we don't talk about it.

I haven't talked to your forever, I haven't thought about you much. I don't know at which state we are. But holly shit I want you back. I'm dying to see you again, but I'm so scared it's gone. The gaze, this special stare we exchange every time. #youstillloveme?

#24: Swimming

As long as I can properly swim I was going to the swimming pool every week no excuses. No matter where I lived I always had a swimming pool nearby.

Until I moved here. Here the pool is in the middle of nowhere. Literally. You have to take highway, pass railway tracks, pass a dump, a cemetery, and a wasteland.
Also add the fact that it has been raining every day since I decided it is warm enough to cycle all the way there.

So it is quite a challenge to get there.

But then.... it feels like home. Finally getting back to water. I haven't swum for almost a year but it just feels as good and easy as always.

So once it is not raining I am there again. 

#23: Ashtanga

Actually nothing to be proud of as it took me 3 years to start Ashtanga. I spent all this time saying I want to practise it instead of just starting practising it.

Finally turned on a video class yesterday and hated every second of it, because I got so terribly weak and off training that I was suffering all the way through.

I just hope and pray that I will stick to it.

Practice practice practice

#22: Sunrise run

It is incredibly hard for me to do one, that's one of the reasons it feels so special. Especially in summer. Good morning, 5 am.

Among others are: completely asleep city, loudly singing birds, amazingly fresh air, breath-taking beauty. I can even tolerate the city centre that early.

Last but not least, it gives a feeling of power. I am out here Sun, greeting you. I got up first and I run almost 4K to get here to see you.

How to do a sunrise run in most of the countries (I lived in):
1 decide to do it
2 wake up before the Sun
3 run

How to do a sunrise run in the Netherlads:
1 pray there is a sunrise

#21: Chess

I absolutely love thinking.
At the same time I frequently have so much stuff on my mind that I can't think nor concentrate.

But when I play chess, I can sit there starring at the board for hours, without my thoughts travelling much and without checking my phone at all.  I'm very bad at chess, but I love the chance to think it provides.

Moreover, I love playing real chess, so I can finally take a break from a computer.

Unfortunately I play so badly, that I can barely beat somebody, but competitive me enjoys the possibility to try to out-think my opponent. Of course it is only fun to play with somebody I know and somebody I suspect to be smarter than me.

My never-coming-true dream is to play with my crush. I know I will lose, but it would have been so thrilling. I would love to see how long I would survive against him.

#20: Racing

I haven't been racing for 1.5 years, and I haven't done more than 5K races for almost 2 years.
I like the idea of training for the race, but I am never ready even if sticked to my plan.

I love the atmosphere of a race. I like so many fit people around. I love outrunning people one by one. I love people cheering and clapping when you pass by.

This time I was amazed by a family who just put the chairs in front of their house and were sitting there watching us running and cheering, just because the route happened to literally pass their house.

I felt great during this race despite the lack of physical activity for the last (2 month) week and being sick. I start thinking that the only cause of my running problem is in my head and it is drama. Drama in my life. No drama means perfect run!

I feel alive.

#19: Yoga

Yoga brings countless number of benefits. For your physical and mental health, life philosophy, knowledge in so many aspects of life, joy and happiness, challenge.
Honestly, I almost forgot how much I love it.
The problem is I have to practise it myself, as I don't have a teacher.
I do want to practise myself, but I also want to have a teacher, to talk to somebody again, to learn from somebody again, to get inspired and adore.
I always had a teacher, but not for last....almost three years.

Does it mean that I am not ready?

#18: living with friends

Life happens outside your parents house.

I do think that independence and freedom are absolutely necessary for a young person, but this is not the point of this post.

Youth is the time to be crazy, to do silly things and to be around other young people.

It's a blessing to go through so many experiences and get very close with basically complete strangers.
To have someone to watch Interstellar with you when you are sick.
To spend endless evenings drinking beer and discussing life.
To bike, to shop, to cook, to eat, to discuss guys, to roast each other, to plan crazy parties, to clean the house, to destroy the house, to fix the house, to run into their room shouting 'you know what he did???'
To know too much about each other.

To feel at home around them.

#17: Change

What do they say? If it doesn't hurt, you are not changing.

I love changes.
Although I have to admit this time it is going bad and I am failing miserably. I am keep being a mess, but I keep tearing everything apart and destroying my relationship with everyone I love.
I hope that self-control will kick in before I'm chocking off.

I know I can.
I can.

#16: Breaking free

About 10 posts (and half a year ago) I was falling in love. It was happy, it was fresh, delightful and exciting for a while, but then after a while at it happens to me every time I found myself being extremely addicted to the person. I always get stuck in the place and to the person. My life becomes centred around him alone. I suffer, I lose the will to live, I spend all the time in my bed, I feel like it's the end of the world.

And then I break free.
I love this feeling of awakening, of life running through my veins.
I enjoy seeing him and thinking 'oh yeah, I can just pass by without being struck by lightening'
I adore newly discovered abilities to think and concentrate.

As I always say:

It was fun while it lasted

#15: Warwick

I talk about Warwick University but we just call it Warwick.
And Warwick is love.
My life got divided in 3 parts: before Warwick, Warwick, and after Warwick.

Meeting somebody from Warwick is like seeing a sibling.
Discussing Warwick is pure happiness. I can go on forever. This is what can make my evening.

Warwick I miss you...