#24: Swimming

As long as I can properly swim I was going to the swimming pool every week no excuses. No matter where I lived I always had a swimming pool nearby.

Until I moved here. Here the pool is in the middle of nowhere. Literally. You have to take highway, pass railway tracks, pass a dump, a cemetery, and a wasteland.
Also add the fact that it has been raining every day since I decided it is warm enough to cycle all the way there.

So it is quite a challenge to get there.

But then.... it feels like home. Finally getting back to water. I haven't swum for almost a year but it just feels as good and easy as always.

So once it is not raining I am there again. 

#23: Ashtanga

Actually nothing to be proud of as it took me 3 years to start Ashtanga. I spent all this time saying I want to practise it instead of just starting practising it.

Finally turned on a video class yesterday and hated every second of it, because I got so terribly weak and off training that I was suffering all the way through.

I just hope and pray that I will stick to it.

Practice practice practice

#22: Sunrise run

It is incredibly hard for me to do one, that's one of the reasons it feels so special. Especially in summer. Good morning, 5 am.

Among others are: completely asleep city, loudly singing birds, amazingly fresh air, breath-taking beauty. I can even tolerate the city centre that early.

Last but not least, it gives a feeling of power. I am out here Sun, greeting you. I got up first and I run almost 4K to get here to see you.

How to do a sunrise run in most of the countries (I lived in):
1 decide to do it
2 wake up before the Sun
3 run

How to do a sunrise run in the Netherlads:
1 pray there is a sunrise

#21: Chess

I absolutely love thinking.
At the same time I frequently have so much stuff on my mind that I can't think nor concentrate.

But when I play chess, I can sit there starring at the board for hours, without my thoughts travelling much and without checking my phone at all.  I'm very bad at chess, but I love the chance to think it provides.

Moreover, I love playing real chess, so I can finally take a break from a computer.

Unfortunately I play so badly, that I can barely beat somebody, but competitive me enjoys the possibility to try to out-think my opponent. Of course it is only fun to play with somebody I know and somebody I suspect to be smarter than me.

My never-coming-true dream is to play with my crush. I know I will lose, but it would have been so thrilling. I would love to see how long I would survive against him.

#20: Racing

I haven't been racing for 1.5 years, and I haven't done more than 5K races for almost 2 years.
I like the idea of training for the race, but I am never ready even if sticked to my plan.

I love the atmosphere of a race. I like so many fit people around. I love outrunning people one by one. I love people cheering and clapping when you pass by.

This time I was amazed by a family who just put the chairs in front of their house and were sitting there watching us running and cheering, just because the route happened to literally pass their house.

I felt great during this race despite the lack of physical activity for the last (2 month) week and being sick. I start thinking that the only cause of my running problem is in my head and it is drama. Drama in my life. No drama means perfect run!

I feel alive.

#19: Yoga

Yoga brings countless number of benefits. For your physical and mental health, life philosophy, knowledge in so many aspects of life, joy and happiness, challenge.
Honestly, I almost forgot how much I love it.
The problem is I have to practise it myself, as I don't have a teacher.
I do want to practise myself, but I also want to have a teacher, to talk to somebody again, to learn from somebody again, to get inspired and adore.
I always had a teacher, but not for last....almost three years.

Does it mean that I am not ready?

#18: living with friends

Life happens outside your parents house.

I do think that independence and freedom are absolutely necessary for a young person, but this is not the point of this post.

Youth is the time to be crazy, to do silly things and to be around other young people.

It's a blessing to go through so many experiences and get very close with basically complete strangers.
To have someone to watch Interstellar with you when you are sick.
To spend endless evenings drinking beer and discussing life.
To bike, to shop, to cook, to eat, to discuss guys, to roast each other, to plan crazy parties, to clean the house, to destroy the house, to fix the house, to run into their room shouting 'you know what he did???'
To know too much about each other.

To feel at home around them.

#17: Change

What do they say? If it doesn't hurt, you are not changing.

I love changes.
Although I have to admit this time it is going bad and I am failing miserably. I am keep being a mess, but I keep tearing everything apart and destroying my relationship with everyone I love.
I hope that self-control will kick in before I'm chocking off.

I know I can.
I can.

#16: Breaking free

About 10 posts (and half a year ago) I was falling in love. It was happy, it was fresh, delightful and exciting for a while, but then after a while at it happens to me every time I found myself being extremely addicted to the person. I always get stuck in the place and to the person. My life becomes centred around him alone. I suffer, I lose the will to live, I spend all the time in my bed, I feel like it's the end of the world.

And then I break free.
I love this feeling of awakening, of life running through my veins.
I enjoy seeing him and thinking 'oh yeah, I can just pass by without being struck by lightening'
I adore newly discovered abilities to think and concentrate.

As I always say:

It was fun while it lasted

#15: Warwick

I talk about Warwick University but we just call it Warwick.
And Warwick is love.
My life got divided in 3 parts: before Warwick, Warwick, and after Warwick.

Meeting somebody from Warwick is like seeing a sibling.
Discussing Warwick is pure happiness. I can go on forever. This is what can make my evening.

Warwick I miss you...

№14: Warwick-like summer

I feel absolutely happy and alive when it is very warm, humid and dark outside during the day. I remember it was mostly like that during my summer at Warwick. It is delightful to run along fields in weather like that. The smell, the feeling of freedom and surrealism, the wind, the peacefulness.
This is my favourite running and working out outside weather. Even if (especially if) it is raining or storming.

#13: Old friend

I barely try to keep people in my life, since the ones I try to keep usually are not worth it or leave anyway. I am trying to be happy with the people I currently have in my life.

Luckily some of them stick. Some of the people I met earlier in life are so important for me. Friendship tested by time.

You used to be a total stranger but became a part of most of my life decisions. Even if I don't do as you tell me, I always ask your opinion. Your smiles. That one that initiated our communication is truly one of a kind. Nothing similar ever happened to me ever since. And how you would stop discussing business and would try to make me laugh when I showed up depressed at the meeting.



All these group chats to share small moments with people who are far but are always in my heart and always remember about me.

#12: Early morning

I absolutely adore early mornings.
I love the freedom, the hope, and the peace it gives. The new day starts, the Sun is getting up, the birds are singing, the people are mostly asleep.
I enjoy being active in the morning and enjoy it by devoting it to myself and my passions. I think that starting my day with work is a pure waste, I will never wake up to do that. But running, yoga, swimming, working out, beach, breakfast....

The first sign of severe depression is unabilty to wake up early. That's precisely what I've been struggling with for a month....
 

#11: Smile

It feels incredible when a person returns your smile. I am not talking about a situation when somebody laughs or smiles because of something you said. And this is not a polite smile when they greet you.You quietly look somebody in the eyes and without saying a word you just smile and they erase the serious expression from their face and smile back. You made them smile. It immediately feels intimate and special and you feel connected to the person.

I never payed enough attention to other people purposive smiling until one special person started smiling to me this way. I felt special immediately. They looked into me and they smiled to me. A bit later I realised the fact that is very hard to put in words.

It is the person who smiles, not the person to whom they smile.

It is a blessing to receive that smile, but it has its meaning and purpose. As a receiver you are not special, you are just a receiver.

Back then I was a receiver. Now I am a sender.

....and a receiver. HE sent me this smile once briefly to show his support.

#10: Consequences

This one is really related to the previous one.
I am absolutely fascinated that whatever is going on in my life is exact consequence of my decisions and my acts.
There are some sudden unexpected events, but the current long-term state of things is usually directly related to the steps I take.

It's not their decision, it is my decision first.

#9: Decision

I can think about a problem for a long time, I can tolerate something not worth tolerating for a while, I can be easily-manipulated, lazy, not motivated, and pathetic.

But the thing I am very good at is decision-making.

I just analyse a problem  and make an optimal decision. That easy, that simple. Emotions, fear, or weakness don't get in the way.

And once I made a decision I stick to it.

Now I decided that it's finally time to do everything I always wanted to do.

#8: Achievement

The only thing that makes me truly happy for some time is payoff from hard work.
Previously it was people. Special people, their words and deeds and the way they made me feel.
Then it was also travelling and adventures.

Now it's only appreciation and results of the things I am doing, I am investing my time, effort, and bits of my soul in.

It's a sign that it is worthwhile to be always busy. And if I am not busy and my mind is not occupied, I get depressed.

Hard work always pays off.

#7: true love

We love people who’ve died ...
where’s the social utility in that?
Maybe it means more - something we
can’t understand, yet. Maybe it’s
some evidence, some artifact of
higher dimensions that we can’t
consciously perceive. I’m drawn
across the universe to someone I
haven’t seen for a decade, who I
know is probably dead. Love is the
one thing we’re capable of
perceiving that transcends
dimensions of time and space. Maybe
we should trust that, even if we
can’t yet understand it.

(c) Interstellar

How magical it is to truly love someone. Without wishing to possess them, or keep, or manipulate, or trying to hurt them or their feelings. Just to be happy that they exist and be high when they are around, to treat their presence as an indicator of a great day. To catch their smile and put so much meaning in it and put so much love in returning it. To make it personal. To have somebody, technically a stranger, get close to you. To have them matter to you. To feel cared for. To make them the person you share your excitement or annoyance with first. To talk, and talk, and call, and text. To take so seriously everything they are saying, especially if they talk about you.

Not many are lucky enough to have a guardian angel like you
Lord I'm so thankful, please don't think that I don't feel grateful, I do
Just grant me the strength that I need for one more day to get through

It also hurts that much, because I always wanted to and still was planning to see you, but never managed.

You did not see me grown-up.

#6: Hieronymus Bosch

The painter with a great life philosophy. The human must constantly choose between good and evil. During his life the person is often tempted with different tools used by demons. However, there is also angel pointing to the heaven and Christ. Choices made during the lifetime determine where the person ends up after the final judgement.

Before Bosch 500 exhibition I always thought that his painting are just orgies. They are not. They represent possible consequences of human behaviour and make you think about your life decisions and your future.

Bosch also has a number of paintings with life of Christ and saints without (or with the way fewer) rat-looking demons.

#5: having a crush

Strangely enough just a bit more than 2 weeks ago I was writing about my inability to get over my previous big love. That feeling was still a part of me and it wasn't going away. Yes I managed to live through fully, but it changed me and it was a point of no return.

On Tuesday I just put this feeling into words, and on Friday I realised that I'm crazily in love and my heart was dancing, stopping, jumping, falling. I had a crush. From that time on my heart continued doing its crazy dance every time I would see him or get a text from him. This week was filled with intense emotions and special moments.

It just feels so right to be madly in love again, to have my heart change its beat and do crazy things, to have my hands trembling and my breath go away.

It is real, it is fresh, it is complete.

The walls of my town, they come crumbling down. Like all the shit that happened to me has never existed. Like I never got destroyed and wasn't bitter and depressed for years.

I am able to fall in love completely. I am able to love with all my heart.

I believe in people, I am happy to wake up in the morning despite the weather.
I believe in love.

And I know that love won't betray me.

#4: running

There are a few things that heal me. Should be at least a hundred.

Some of them I forgot and am using this blog to remember, but some of them are always on my mind even if I don't get to practice them for a while.

Everything that requires moving forward is my big love and my remedy. As I was fighting a depression for years I discovered that running is one of the tricks to keep myself alive. I wasn't fighting to win, I think it's impossible without external help, I was fighting to survive.

In times of biggest psychological downturns the best way  to keep myself going and to give everything I was doing a purpose was waking up before the dawn and getting outside before the Sun. What can I say, challenging the Sun feels rewarding.

I've been having  a complicated relationship with running for a year and a bit, when I had no reason nor motivation to run. Strange combination. On one handside no open raw heart wound to heal with running, on the other - yes, a guy involved. Since I didn't manage to finish a race in September 2014 [because of a guy], I had an inner protest against running. I used the trick of bringing back sense to my life by sundawn running, but that's it. Although I still loved it, my inner self wouldn't let me practice it.

Now I'm over that dude and was thinking of running as a way to keep fit [which running has never been to me. ever!]. Strangely enough I could never make myself go for a run. That's just not enough. Apparently I can't run when I'm not depressed. 5 minutes on a treadmill - yes, otherwise - no.

To my great happines I am depressed at the moment, and I do have an urge to go for run. Shame, it's -5 in the morning.

Wait a minute, isn't it what I need exactly?!

#3: past love

The reason I put you here is that it's not about you, it is about the feeling. Yes, it kept me depressed for.... 7 to 20 months depending on how I see it, but back then.... the feeling itself was strong, beautiful and pure. It was so fuckin pure, naive, and innocent.

You turned my whole life inside out. You made me what I am right now. Is it a good change? Was it worthwhile? I don't know, and it's not the point.

The point is I've never been so overwhelmingly in love ever since. I was in love afterwards more than once. I was happy, I was inspired, I was heartbroken, I was depressed. But never to THAT extent.

I grew older? Became more experienced? Got scared to fall apart again?

When I think about you, I just remember how beautiful and fulfilling it is actually to be in love, to be breathing somebody else, to care so much.

I'm not depressed anymore, I'm not in love with you anymore, I don't wanna hear from you ever again. Our story is over. I actually wonder now if you are that incredible and unique or I just wanted to see you that way?

Sometimes I wanna fall in love that much again, but I can't tell whether this desire is stronger or my fear of getting destroyed.

My love is like a soldier, loyal till I die.

#2: William Shakespeare

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
   And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
   As any she belied with false compare.

#1: English

My heart speaks English.
I love how it sounds. Soft. Effortless. Melodic elusive 'r' sound.
Short words. Short sentences.Possibility to say so much in a simple way using fewest words possibly.

All the love songs are in English
All the movies are in English
All the information is in English

It allows me to travel. It allows me to have friends from all over the world. It allows me to be an expat. It allows me to feel comfortable in so many places, talk to so many new people.

I talk to myself in English.


Falling in love
Taking advantage
Well-travelled
  

100 days of sense

Here I want to challenge myself (reminder for later: change this mainstream stupid sentence) to find every third day something to be grateful for to the universe.

I love incredible variety of things, time to scream out loud about each of them.